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Resilient Love #3
Melanie Hansen
Releasing on January 22, 2016.
Dreamspinner Press
Loren Smith has been in love with Eliot Devlin almost his entire life. During their turbulent childhood and teen years, Loren didn’t always understand Eliot, and sometimes he could be a challenge, but Eliot was the only one to ever truly ease Loren’s deep loneliness and accept him. When Eliot’s increasingly erratic and self-destructive behavior culminates in a suicide attempt at seventeen, Loren is devastated.
Upon meeting again by chance nine years later, Loren is enjoying a successful career as a police officer while Eliot’s life has been a constant struggle for stability. In and out of mental hospitals, with a rap sheet a mile long, he continues to be buffeted by the twin storms of mania and depression. Loren’s love and protectiveness for Eliot are deeply ingrained in him, however, and their feelings for each other are quickly rekindled.
Loren has issues of his own he’s dealing with, and trying to understand and cope with Eliot’s bipolar disorder isn’t easy. They believe they’re meant to be, and Eliot brings a fulfillment to Loren’s life that no one else will ever match. But as they both come to realize, love by itself can’t cure all.
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When they woke the next morning,
they packed an overnight bag and headed north on I-17. Eliot was
amazed at the view out his window, craggy rocks and towering saguaro
cactus eventually giving way to the pine trees of the Coconino
National Forest.
In Flagstaff they stopped for gas,
and both of them shivered at the cold bite in the air. They ran by a
sporting goods store to buy some fleece pullovers, and Eliot goofed
off with a couple of plaid hunting caps, complete with fuzzy
earflaps. He grinned at Loren, trying to keep the hat from falling
forward into his eyes.
“You look about twelve years old,”
Loren said drily. “That hat swallows you whole.”
As Loren reached out to take it off
of him, he stroked his thumb along Eliot’s cheek.
“I love to see you smile, to see
you happy,” he whispered. He grabbed a simple knit cap and pulled
it over Eliot’s head, fussing with it a minute before saying, “Much
better.” Eliot scanned the room and, not seeing anyone, stretched
up to give Loren a kiss.
Soon they were on the road again
heading north, and Loren took Eliot’s hand, twining their fingers
together and resting their joined hands on his knee. Eliot could
sense Loren was turning something over in his mind, so he just
waited.
“Are
you happy, El?” Loren finally asked. “I’ve seen so many
different incarnations of your moods, but I honestly don’t know if
I’d recognize happiness in you.” His voice held a faint note of
apology for asking, and Eliot glanced at him, surprised but pleased
by Loren’s candor.
“I don’t know if I’d recognize
happiness either, Loren,” he admitted, rubbing his thumb over the
back of Loren’s hand when he threw Eliot a stricken look. “Hey,
hey,” Eliot said reassuringly. “I don’t mean that the way it
sounds.”
Eliot blew out a breath, thinking
about how to explain this. Loren waited, but his lips were pressed
together in a tight line, and Eliot squeezed his fingers.
“Usually when I wake up in the
morning, I’m afraid,” he said slowly, and Loren opened his mouth
to speak but then didn’t say anything. Eliot glanced at him again,
then continued, “I feel the craziness, the madness lurking, just
waiting for me. It feels like it’s attached to me, that when I get
out of bed, I’m dragging it with me. It’s always there, ready to
pounce and swallow me up.”
“Oh, El,” Loren whispered
achingly.
Eliot stroked his hand. “And this
morning when I woke up, I wasn’t afraid. I think that’s what it
feels like to be happy. It’s enough for me.”
Loren didn’t say anything, but a
lone tear slid down his cheek. Eliot reached up and wiped it away
with his thumb, stroking Loren’s jaw tenderly.
“What’s the matter, honey?”
Just then the sign for a scenic
lookout appeared, and Loren took the exit, parking the truck. He
stared through the windshield, blinking fast, more tears welling up.
“The thought of you for all those
years, waking up afraid,” he whispered brokenly. “And I wasn’t
there, Eliot. I wasn’t there.” Eliot could see Loren’s throat
working as he fought not to cry, and with a soft exclamation, Eliot
opened his arms, gathering him close. He stroked Loren’s hair,
feeling the hot wetness of tears against his neck.
“But you were
there, Loren. Shhh,” he murmured.
When Loren calmed a little, Eliot
pulled back and took Loren’s face in his hands, forcing him to meet
his eyes.
“I’ve been in a lot of therapy
over the years, and they always ask me the same thing, what my best
memories are, what memories do I have of feeling happy or safe. I’m
supposed to bring them to mind when I’m stressed or scared or
angry. It’s part of cognitive therapy, learning to readjust your
thinking, to focus on good things and not negative things.”
Eliot caressed Loren’s face. “And
Loren, there’s a lot I don’t remember, but what I do, every
single one of those types of memories is about you. Being kids,
riding our bikes, playing with toys, laughing at stupid jokes. Then
later the way you held me in the dark after a nightmare or sat with
me when I was so sad and hurting that I wanted to die. The way
you—the way you loved
me, loved my batshit crazy and fucked-up mess.
“You’ve always
been with me, Loren,
through my memories. Always.”
Loren completely lost it then, and
Eliot let him cry it out, murmuring to him, rocking him, reveling in
being the one to comfort, to soothe, of being able to shore up the
man he loved when he needed it.
Finally the storm passed and Loren
pulled away, sitting up and scrubbing his hands over his face.
“I’m glad, El,” he said
hoarsely, clearing his throat several times before starting the truck
and pulling back onto the interstate. “I’m glad I’m your best
memories.”
Melanie Hansen has spent time in Texas and Florida prisons…for work. She’s been in a room with a 17-year-old mass murderer who was also one of the most soft-spoken and polite teenagers she’s ever met. After a 13-year career as a court reporter, she can tell many stories both hilarious and heartbreaking.
She grew up with an Air Force dad, and ended up marrying a Navy man. After living and working all over the country, she hopes to bring these rich and varied life experiences to her stories about people finding love amidst real-life struggles.
Melanie left the stressful world of the courtroom behind and now enjoys a rewarding career transcribing for a deaf student. She currently lives in Arizona with her husband and two sons.
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